My Father

My father
Used to walk
so fast
I had to run to catch
his shadow.
Always one step ahead--
maybe more--
Literally.  Philosophically.
Theologically.

A leader.
A path finder.
A way maker.

All that was years ago.
But then
pain.
Crippling pain.
Pain that slows feet and fight.
Pain that stands him still.
Angry.
Compromised.
Except for his mind.

Now, while I slow my steps for his
syncopated stutter-stepped shuffle
he still outruns my mind--
day and night.

I want to cry out
against this injustice
because it is categorically
not fair--
not part of the plan decades
ago--

But I know that
Life is not fair
nor just.
It marches on
regardless.  Trampling
on plans made in our prime.
So I don't.  Instead
I find solace in
what there is in moments
not days or even hours.
Moments.
I find comfort in the hope he holds on to that
In a moment
In a twinkling of an eye . . .
We will all be changed.

This is another poem that I wrote during the Boothbay Harbor Literacy Retreat I attended in July 2013.  Two years later (4 years ago), my dad passed away after a long struggle with debilitating pain that was difficult to witness.  This poem touches on the only thing that comforts me in this giant loss:  the Hope of seeing him again one day, without the pain that stole him from us.  

The Remains of the Day

The evening's the best part of the day. You've done your day's work. 

Now you can put your feet up and enjoy it.  

~ The Remains of the Day

Sunset over Mooselookmeguntic Lake, Rangeley, Maine

Twice in the past few days The Remains of the Day has been on some obscure channel, way up the dial from the regulars that I peruse on any given day.  I've watched it both times, although I only caught the end each time.  I read the book when it first came out and loved it--reveled in the beautiful unveiling of character, the slow, deep contemplation of life.  Looking back on it, though, I don't think I really understood what Ishaguru was trying to say.  1989 was a long time ago.  A few lifetimes ago really.  Then, I had all the energy and ambition of a thirty-something single woman, devoted to her work and her family.  Most of my life was very focused on one geographic location.  I had no idea then how my life and my horizons would expand on almost every level within the next few years:

• 1991--quit my job, go back to school at UNH to work on my PhD, join NEYE (orchestra), begin to travel the world (China-Thailand-Singapore tour)
• 1992--move to Brunswick, Maine to be Kaitie and Christopher's nanny, continue to travel the world with NEYE (Egypt, South Africa, Jordan, Israel), play in Carnegie Hall numerous times
• 1993--move to Boston, take job at GBA
• 1996--continue world travels to England and Russia, begin work as recruiter/fundraiser
• 1998--go to Russia again
• 1999--take spontaneous long weekend trip to Paris
• 2002--take a Western Caribbean cruise
• 2004--take writing course in Aix-en-Provence
• 2005--explore Norway with family, become principal of GBA, take seniors to Peru on a mission trip
• 2010--move to Phoenix to "just" teach
• 2012--go to the Grand Canyon for the first of several times, take on administrative responsibilities at TAA
• 2013--go to Zambia for mission trip, take a cross-country road trip

Sunset outside my back patio

Now, today, I hardly know what it is like to come home at the end of the day and put my feet up.  That is until a couple of days ago when I purchased a rocker/recliner and was literally able to put my feet up at the end of the day.  It was an extraordinarily indulgent feeling, one I've not been familiar with, one I could grow accustomed to. Except that would mean my work is actually done at the end of a day...when in reality, it seems as if it's never done.  Even now, as I sit here writing this, there are so many other things I should be doing--including work.  And the question comes, can I really afford to indulge in what remains of the day?

Sunset over the South Rim of the Grand Canyon

One of my academy schoolmates passed away this morning.  I remember her as a quiet, gentle soul.  One who was so kind and soft-spoken.  It had been many years since I had seen her when I got a call from her a year or so after I moved to Phoenix.  Turns out her mother lived very near where I was teaching and she was here, visiting her.  We met at a school program and enjoyed some conversation.  We said we'd have to get together more often now that we were in the same area again.  I never saw her after that.  Life got busy for me and she got cancer.   And now she's gone.  The lights have gone down for her,  her work is done, and she has put up her feet and is resting.  I, on the other hand, have daylight remaining.  I am determined to make the most of it before I, too, put my feet up and enjoy the evening.

Centennial · 365 Project

Centennial by Rondi Aastrup · 365 Project

Arizona celebrated the centennial of its statehood on February 14th. The only person I know that old passed away yesterday. He was my baby doctor, present at my birth. Now at rest. He was a kind, gentle man--the epitome of a good man. The pastor of his church sent out an e-mail quoting the end of William Cullen Bryant's poem "Thanatopsis" that I have written about here before. They say it very well:

So live that when thy summons comes to join

the innumerable caravan which moves

to that mysterious realm, where each shall take

his chamber in the silent halls of death,

Thou go not like the quarry slave at night,

Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed

by an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave

Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

about him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

The Best We Can

"We do the best we can. That's all there is." I've been getting through year-end projects and tests with a little help from Netflix. Working the rubrics and numbers while mostly listening (as opposed to watching) to Raising the Bar, a short-lived series about a group of friends who work either in the public defender's office or the D.A.'s office in New York City. I remember watching one or two episodes when it aired on TNT originally (2008), but I never got into the swing of it, mostly because I was too busy trying to juggle both administrative and teaching responsibilities. That's no life. I see that now in retrospect...

Anyway, the show got me through what can otherwise be very tedious work, entering numbers, checking them two and three times to make sure it all adds up (even though I use an electronic gradebook). Tonight's line that hit the mark sits at the top of this piece: We do the best we can. That's all there is. What hits home about this is the reality of working with people. You do the best you can. Sometimes that doesn't feel like enough, but if it's your best, it's all you can do. And if you're going to have any peace of mind, you have to find a way to live with that without beating yourself up about it.

The lawyers in this show struggle with that. They struggle with doing the right thing for justice' sake or mercy's sake. They struggle to feel good about themselves when they aren't always sure they're doing the right thing. They follow the law, they do their best. But is it right? That happens in teaching, too. You have young people's lives, their futures, in your hands. You do your best. But what if that's not enough? You weigh justice and mercy. You make a choice. You gamble on the future. Their future. Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes you pay. Or worse, they do.

If you do the best you can, that has to be enough. That is all there is. Right?

Watching God Work

One of my friends posted this on her Facebook status a few hours ago: "Four ways to handle a predicament: Don't be afraid. Stand still. Watch God work. Keep quiet. "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians (or whatever you are struggling with) whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent." Exodus 14: 13, 14. (adapted fromSwindoll)" It has given me pause to think about life and the changes we go through, most of us on a daily basis.

Two months ago, I came to the edge of a cliff (metaphorically speaking) and, without much hesitation, jumped off*, whispering to God as I did so "Please don't let me crash." I then proceeded to let God do what He does best: take care of us. First thing He did was get me through the next several weeks unscathed. I did not crash. Second thing He did was bring people into my life who were not out to build themselves up, but who were more interested in seeing others fly. It was a revelation. Third thing He did was give me peace of mind and an out. An out that is even better than the alternative.

The truth is, God has a job to do, and it is all about taking care of us. The trouble is we usually don't stand still and let Him do His work. We think we need to get in there and do it ourselves. Too many times that only means we mess things up. It is too often my tendency to keep my fists all balled up with my frustrations crushed inside instead of opening them wide and letting the troubles fall at His feet. Having experienced His care over and over, it is a conundrum to me why I don''t always just put my hand in His and let Him take over from the get-go. It's that human independence, I guess. This time, I didn't try to do it myself. I just gave it all to Him, right from the edge of that cliff. I don't know yet how it all will turn out. So far, so good, though.

*The cliff was my job. Or should I say the departing from my job of 17 years, putting my condo of 15 years up for sale, and then waiting to see what would happen next.

Electric!

It's amazing how much noise electricity makes. Or, rather, the mechanisms powered by electricity. I was up early this morning, writing my Christmas letter to the sounds of Christmas. All of a sudden, a loud bang from somewhere outside and the power went out, just like that! And then quiet. Deafening quiet. I started thinking about all the things I couldn't do now. Couldn't make a tasty breakfast, couldn't blow dry my hair, couldn't listen to music any more, couldn't do laundry, couldn't vacuum, couldn't print my letter once I finished it. At least temporarily.

I felt so handicapped at first! I did have my laptop, and I did finish my letter, but then had to put the laptop away because I didn't want to drain down the battery too much. In the quiet that ensued for the next two plus hours, I heard more, and thought more than I'd done in some time. Called to mind what I heard a famous singer once say about taking time away from everyone and everything for some quiet time. "How can you hear God in all the noise?" he asked. How, indeed. This morning's hours without electricity were, for me, quite electric after all!

Great Adventures

I saw this meme on Inland Empire Girl's blog, Gathering Around the Table. I like lists and checking things off of them, so I thought I'd try it. I've done more than half! If you try it yourself, write and send me a link of your post. (Photos are from Google Images, Travelocity, or Expedia. My own photos of these places are not digital and my scanner isn't working right now. Someday...)

Here we present a list. Highlight those tasks that you have accomplished in your life . Then add a new task to the list of something memorable that you've done that isn't on the list yet. (My answers are in dark yellow.)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (jacuzzi...)
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s nappy
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten tipsy on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of both the sun and moon
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states (all but Alaska...)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had/Have amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving (snorkling)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted a river
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in a Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane (very briefly)
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept 30 hours in a 48 hour time frame
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (almost...35+)
124. Visited all 7 continents (five of seven)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read “The Iliad”
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions (for many years, but now I work there, so have to go!)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
151. Organized a HUGE event!
152. Seen something you can't explain with science
153. Had a book published
154. Drove four hours in a snowstorm

My addition to the list:
155. Performed in Carnegie Hall

Rules to Live By

I spent a quiet day working around the house today, thanks to a day off from school to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. I've written before about my favorite MLK quote,so I thought I'd share what I heard from another influential African American. Colin Powell made an appearance on The View this morning and after a bit of chit chat, he talked about the code that he lives by. He said he has thirteen "Rules for Life" that he carries with him at all times. I was so impressed with them, that I wrote them down as fast as I could. He only shared three, but I thought they were excellent rules for healthy living.

No matter how bad things look today, they’ll be better in the morning. Have a certain optimism about life. When things are weighing you down, just assume they will get better and direct all your attention in that direction.

• Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier. You’re always looking for something that leverages your force, your ability. As long as you’re constantly optimistic that things will get better, then that helps you make them get better.
• Don't think that failure is permanent. Every day I fail at something. The challenge is what do you do with failure? How do you learn from it? How do you move on? Not how do you linger over it. So have your failure. Learn from it, roll it up, throw it over your shoulder, and don’t think about it again. Keep moving forward